Not Myself
by Songfic Misstress
Summary: My Immortal" songfic between Matt and Mello when Mello is depressed about his burns. Will Matt walk out on nursing a broken Mello back to health and sanity? or will he accept that Mello is just "not himself" at the moment?


Not myself right now

* * *

Matt tending Mello's burns.

_I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears_

I want to be able to be here, but only to help you., I won't be here if the you that I'm helping isn't you. Where's that **Fire, **Mel? That **Spark **?_ And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave  
_

_ Coz your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone_

The old you is there, under the scars, the tears, the melted chocolate in the corner of your mouth. I KNOW it is.

_These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real_

I won't say I feel your pain. I feel a hurt that is all too real and agonizing in my chest that is completely my own. You can't be gone... Mell, you can't be.

_  
There's just too much that time cannot erase_

You can't have forgotten the childhood tree forts, The beating up of our rival, the stolen sleepovers, fearing being caught by Roger. You can't have forgotten the fumbling kisses, the awkward gropes. You can't have forgotten the sex. Don't tell me I'm forgettable Mel, I can't believe that.

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
_

How can you not talk? how can you not tell me what the hell happened?! You told me about watching your parents get murdered in front of you, you let me dry your eyes then. Why do you flinch from my hand now? I HATE it Mel, I really do, being a stranger, being looked at like I'm a monster, that I'm about to hurt you. I _**HATE**_ it.

_ But you still have all of me_

I know I won't leave. You need me. I'm yours.

_You used to captivate me by your resonating mind  
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind_

Mell, you're the smartest mother f--er I know. Why in hell I had members of the MAFIA knocking on our door to ask if you were alright astounds me. Mello, what -happened- to you when you were gone. TALK to me, dammnit!

_  
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me_

I remember how you used to look, Mel. I loved that face, don't doubt it. But this one isn't that bad...I had a dream last night where your skin had melted to reveal the bones. You could be worse off Mel, you really could. I... saw that face...and heard your phone call, the voice reinforcing the panic that hasn't left since the I read the caller ID.

_These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real_

I understand that you don't like looking in the mirror, that you hate that it's not closing up as you would like, that you will always have those scars. I'm sure it hurts. But no amount of stolen morphine can make that pain go, so stop trying to OD. and TALK to me soon, dammit.

_There's just too much that time cannot erase_

You must have things to say. Even if it hurts too much to tell me who did this so you, at least tell me what's happened in all the years since the orphanage. It's not like all those years didn't happen. Where the hell have you -been- for the last half decade?!

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
_

I do as best as I damn well can under the circumstances, Mello. Even though you flinch, I do wipe away your tears, and let you hold my hand in that once bone crushing but now desperate yet feeble grip when I disinfect your burn. I let you hold it back then, that isn't about to change. Even if you have, even though you're a completely different person.

_But you still have all of me_

But no matter which Mello you are, I'm still yours, your bitch, you once called me. I'm still here. woof.

_I tried so hard to tell myself that your gone,  
But though you're still with me, I've been all alone all along_

I told myself for five years, five goddamn years, that you were gone, that you were never going to come back. And now I do have you, We're basically -living- together...and it's not you. WTF man?! WTF!

Mello

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_

You cry in your sleep Matt. I'm sorry. I know I should talk, but I failed.

_  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_

I wish things could go back to the way they were at Wammy's, when I could battle the monster in the closet for you. But I took on the biggest monster, and almost died. I am not the hero anymore.

_  
And I've held your hand through all of these years_

I'm glad you let me hold your hand. It lets me feel human again. I know that I'm different, but...

_But you still have all of me, me, me, me_

I'm just not myself right now.

* * *

I own nothing. Please Review.


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